Independence is a skill worth building

I had always envisioned my time abroad as a deeply independent experience. But,  having anticipated it for nearly my entire junior year, I’d painted a slightly romanticized picture. I envisioned taking long walks along the Amsterdam canals, exploring the Van Gogh Museum and Vondelpark, and having Dutch men pull their bicycles to the side of the road to inform me of my beauty and ask me to dinner. I’ve managed to make most of those things happen for myself — aside from stopping the Dutch in their tracks — but the image I anticipated was much more easy going. Having about a month of my school year abroad under my belt, I can say with certainty that I’ve been having a good time — but I can also be honest with myself and admit that I’ve had a harder time than I was prepared for. 

While growing more independent had always been a part of my vision for myself here, I didn’t anticipate it being something I’d struggle with so much. I’ve always been self-sufficient, but I’ll also always opt for company. The knowledge of the romantic setting waiting for me had clouded my understanding of what alone time could offer. I’ve adapted to having so much time by myself  — but not without difficulty. While this sense of independence is a mountain I feel confident I’ll climb, I can’t help but wish that independence was a skill I’d attempted to actually hone while in a more familiar environment. I would have been slightly more prepared, but also would have tapped the beauty in finding how to enjoy time by myself earlier. 

It’s not that I’ve spent the past month entirely solitary; I’ve been making friends, slowly but surely. We make plans for the weekends, sometimes convene on our shared balcony on weeknights and occasionally check out new bookstores together. 

But, in comparison to my University of Michigan experience, these plans often feel few and far between. At the University, particularly in my third year on campus, socialization was constant. My junior year was spent living in a house with five other girls — some of whom started as complete strangers, all of whom left as some of my best friends — and alone time meant collectively rotting in our living room in front of comfort shows. Between my roommates, my then-long-term boyfriend, other dear friends who lived just a 10-minute walk away and the combination of schoolwork and extracurriculars, I was always busy, and always accompanied. 

I don’t wish I had regularly forgone that time with my friends — particularly knowing that my world will never quite fit into my pocket the same way it did at the University — but, looking back, I don’t know if I ever made the active choice to spend a night, or even just a few hours, entirely alone. Had I done so, I doubt my nostalgia for the traditional college experience would have changed at all; instead, perhaps my sense of independence would be more honed and my personal sense of identity less fraught.

We all know more introverted people for whom alone time is a necessity and independence is simply a born personality trait. But for those of us for whom independence isn’t innate, it can — and should — still be a learned skill.

The benefits of independence are myriad. Even in our infancy, alone time is recommended. It teaches children how to calm themselves down, hones their imaginations and takes the panic out of alone time. When we can self-regulate and independently make ourselves feel better, we’re better off — even when just months old. These are traits that follow us, and can benefit us, our whole lives. While strong relationships are imperative for our well-being, so is a strong sense of self. And our relationships are all the better off when we turn to them out of want and love, not pure need. 

There are plenty of ways that we can build independence and make our alone time feel more natural. Sometimes opting into a night of self-care or indulging in a personal passion is necessary. It also helps decouple alone time with a sense of rejection — something I’ve struggled to internalize on multiple teary-eyed occasions in my dorm room. But it gets easier! This is something I’ve both been reminding myself of and learning day by day. 

And while it’s hard, it can also be beautiful. I’ve struggled with my newfound independence, as this article has made clear; but, it has also provided me with endless opportunity. I am successfully making my way through my list of museums, exploring all that Amsterdam has to offer — by foot and by taste buds— and picking up hobbies I intended to throughout my U-M experience. I’ve become a collager, creatively writing, my journal has no longer been going months without entry. While my Daily articles normally come out of a deadline-induced panic, this one was entirely self-prompted. I’ve had lovely interactions with strangers I wouldn’t have had if I’d been occupied with company. I’ve been getting to know myself more personally, in a way that at times is challenging but ultimately good — something that will serve me well when building relationships with others. Make no mistake, I certainly hope that my year ends with new friendships I will carry with me for years to come. I also hope it comes with a much-improved and transformed relationship with myself.

While not everyone’s U-M experience will take them abroad, postgrad and big life changes await everyone. We will all have to leave the comfort Michigan has provided us. For many, postgrad jobs or curiosities will take us to unfamiliar places, often away from support networks and intimate friendships. While diving into the deep end of independence is possible, I wouldn’t necessarily recommend it. Maybe it’s worth occasionally forgoing a night at Rick’s or on your shared couch to spend some me time, as cheesy as it sounds. Your future self will not only thank you for it — you’ll be better off.

Lila Dominus is an Opinion Contributor who usually focuses on artificial intelligence and gender. Currently, she is contributing ruminations on her experience abroad. She can be reached at ldominus@umich.edu.

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