There is truly nothing more embarrassing than arriving at Mason Hall 3330 at 10 a.m. panting, beads of sweat beginning to perspire on my forehead. No, I did not run to class (an image of me lumbering down State Street with my backpack haunts my nightmares) nor did I have some illicit affair in the inner workings of the Mason/Angell/Tisch/Haven Hall labyrinth. Unfortunately, it’s much worse: I took the stairs.
In a time where our tallest skyscrapers reach more than 130 floors and stairs are hidden in dingy back corners of buildings, elevators feel like a Darwinian adaptation. Not only do they provide a modern luxury and the slight thrill of feeling the floor rise or fall under your feet, but they also have their own sub-genre of music to bump on your way up or down. Yet, as someone who hates cramped spaces and the awkwardness of spamming the “close” button, the stairs are often my favorite mode of ascension and descension. Maybe it’s some lingering childhood trauma from the “Stretching Room” in Walt Disney World, or the omniscient voice of my father describing how he always takes the stairs — a separate form of childhood trauma — but since coming to college, I’ve been the one searching for the staircase in any building.
On a campus more than 150 years old with a diverse array of architectural styles, this search has led me to some interesting places. Back hallways, strange doors and coming close to setting off emergency exit alarms are all a part of the stair-seeker journey. So is trudging up the Hatcher Graduate Library stacks steps before another long night, or circling the Kinesiology building 500 times in order to find a study spot (they knew what they were doing with that architectural maze). After climbing up and down (and then up again), I decided it’s time to bring to light the highs and lows of the best, worst and strangest stairs on campus. So start stretching those hamstrings and fill up your water bottle because by the end of this article, you’ll be out of breath, too.
Worst: Mason Hall Staircase
Yeah, we’re starting here, and I have thoughts. To keep this from turning into its own essay, here they are, rapid-fire: First off, you’d think you were waiting in line for Free Cone Day at Ben & Jerry’s or trying to get a taco from the dining hall in South Quad Residence Hall judging by the way the line looks at 11:50 a.m. on a weekday. The poorly planned locations of the exits mean you are constantly cutting someone off, or awkwardly holding the door for someone — only to find out they’re going up another level. That’s because there is always another level with these stairs, especially since the building starts on ground floor instead of floor one. What? We are not in Europe. With the news looking the way it is, I can’t even pretend we are in Europe. I will be filing a cease and desist letter to Mason Hall with my lawyer. Oh, and it truly doesn’t matter which one you go to, because they’re both poorly placed. Though I have found the one closest to the north entrance of the building is typically more congested, despite being larger. I suppose everyone just wants to get out of that building as soon as possible. Relatable.
Weirdest: Modern Languages Building Corner Staircases
The Modern Languages Building: A square that I will continue to get lost in every single time, always taking the longest path possible to get anywhere. You can’t really ever lose the stairs though, because there’s four of them — one in every corner. Unfortunately, four staircases does not mean four times the fun. The amount of back-and-forth these stairs have always makes them seem longer than they actually are, like a torturous hidden StairMaster. Plus, the step-height ratio seems subtly off. Either way, not a fan.
Most Like a Parking Structure: Weiser Hall 10-Floor East Staircase
Weiser Hall has two associations in my mind: The site of Math 116 exams and a weird hotel vibe from the 10 identical floors. After taking the stairs — specifically the east staircase — to the 10th floor for a meeting that frankly could have been on the fourth, I have a new association: parking garage. As I slowly ascended, each level granted me a colorful wall with a giant number reminding me how far I had to go. I debated changing my calendar invite to say “light gray level” instead of the 10th floor, because maybe that would help me remember it easier.
Biggest: Central Campus Classroom Building Grand Staircase
Everything about the CCCB is big. The lecture halls, the classes, the number of whiteboards in each classeroom, the egos of most people in classes there — and obviously, the stairs. I really appreciate the architects who finally recognized the need for a staircase that matched the capacity of the building. While the lofted ceilings in all of the classrooms make these stairs longer than normal, the massive windows illuminating the steps with natural light are a stark contrast to the typical dungeon staircase, making the extra steps worth it. Just not more than once in a day.
Best Spot for Prom Dress Reveal: Lorch Hall Concrete Staircase
In my three years at this school, I have maybe been in Lorch three times? None of which involved going to stare at a staircase. Clearly, I should have been going more often. This extravagant stone stepper gives all the design you could ever want, with columns up to the ceiling, a dramatic turn midway through and carvings in the concrete railings. These steps would be perfect for the prom dress reveal scene in a teen rom-com. Imagine the gasp of the audience as she steps around that corner, stunning the lobby of Lorch. The economics majors could never dream of a serve so intense.
Most Interactive: Monroe-Brown Staircase in the Bob and Betty Beyster Building
This is the first staircase I’ve ever climbed that I’ve known to have a name, but honestly it felt fitting. When I die, please memorialize me as a spiral staircase. These granite stairs feel sturdy under the feet and have a lovely wooden railing that incorporates seamlessly with the balcony railing of each floor. Plus, there is a table on the ground floor right in the middle of the spiral, so you can stare down at people as you’re “stairing” down. Very cool. However, the real kicker is not the spiral, but the programmable lights that flash along the underside of the stairs. If you head to blinken.org you can create code that you can queue to run on the actual stairs. While I sat and wrote this bit, the stairs danced yellow, flashed red and even went rainbow for a bit. Arguably the most tuned-in to stairs I have ever been, this genuinely is a must-see and try during five minutes of your four years here — a crazy thing to say of stairs. Monroe and Brown, you guys ate with this one.
Most Educational: Sundial Staircase in the Michigan Memorial Phoenix Laboratory
I’m currently sitting in an orange, plush chair as I stare in awe at these stairs. The steps themselves are mediocre — average height with your typical three lines by the edge. But as you can guess from the title, these stairs aren’t about what’s below your feet: they’re about what’s above. As you climb up, surrounding you is a dial with major cities across the world on it, all placed relative to Ann Arbor’s solar time. The idea is that on a sunny day, the light cast by the gnomon lines up with the time based on Earth’s position. Unfortunately, just like parts of Arizona, the dial does not recognize daylight savings time, so farmers are not welcome on these steps. Besides that small fact, though, these are definitely educational and fun to look at, which made the journey to North Campus worth it.
Trying Too Hard: Ross School of Business Protruding Staircase
I pass Ross on my walk to campus every day and each time from outside the building I search for someone taking these stairs. Rarely have I seen anyone. While a fun design in theory, it’s unsurprising to me that the business-casual frequenters of Ross prefer not to take the quirky staircase that looks like it belongs in a McDonald’s PlayPlace. I do have to give it some credit though, because if I ever went into Ross, this would be the first place I’d go.
Best: Haven Hall Fourth-Floor Staircase
Your first thought upon seeing this staircase was most likely “Where is that?” And trust me, it’s a journey to find. But, in a beautiful full circle moment, I propose that the best staircase is in the same building we started in. If you can navigate yourself to the lobby of the fourth floor of Haven Hall, you’ll find the entrance to this one flight wonder. The orange walls set a calming mood as you ascend, and the artwork provides interesting pieces of contemplation. There’s a slight curve to the stairs to keep them architecturally interesting. The railings are at perfect grasping height, ensuring you can maintain your three points of contact that entire way up. This hidden gem is itself a piece of art. If you can find it, take it. You won’t regret it.
With the best and worst accounted for, and some literal ups and downs along the way, we’ve reached the end. It took a lengthy session with my foam roller, but my legs finally did recover from their impromptu campus workout session. While walking up stairs may be a hard job, designing them may be harder. Stairs strive to balance function with form. Some are the centerpieces to grand designs, existing as the main attraction of a room. Others are shoved into corners, hidden by the rush of the elevator. And, of course, there are those that hide in plain sight, waiting to be stepped on. These are just a handful of the wonderful, wacky and weird staircases on campus. Hundreds more remain, yet to be discovered and appreciated — or hated. So next time, maybe ditch the elevator to try out something new. It might be time to find out where those 13 to 16 steps will take you.
Daily Arts Writer Ian Gallmore can be reached at gallmore@umich.edu.
