Committed to bringing you the utmost quality of journalism, The Michigan Daily TV writers sacrificed 79 minutes of our lives — some of us baked, some of us buzzed and none of us bored — to watch the series finale of “The Summer I Turned Pretty.” We started the evening excited for the conclusion and a little bit horrified by the shenanigans Belly (Lola Tung, debut) might pull leading up to it. Over the course of the episode, our horror only grew.
In the series finale, Conrad (Christopher Briney, “Mean Girls”) has just arrived in Paris to surprise Belly for her 22nd birthday. Meanwhile, Jeremiah (Gavin Casalegno, “The Vampire Diaries”) and Taylor (Rain Spencer, “Test Screening”) work to frantically set up a last-minute dinner for Taylor’s PR firm.
This article was lightly edited to increase clarity while maintaining the authenticity of the piece.
(The thumbnail of the episode loads on screen.)
Buzzed 1: FUCK ASS BOB!
Buzzed 2: She serves unfathomable cunt every episode.
Buzzed 3: And then she opens her mouth.
Buzzed 4: I still have to do my Duolingo.
(We start the episode. Belly and Conrad meet again. “Je te laisserai des mots” by Patrick Watson starts playing.)
Buzzed 5: NOT THIS FUCKING SONG!
Buzzed 2: That’s too much.
Buzzed 3: Look at how French it is; they’re riding in a scooter.
Buzzed 1: Conrad’s just standing there.
Baked 1: That guy’s name is Conrad?
Buzzed 2: You should hear his brother’s name.
(Belly tells Conrad to give her a hug.)
Buzzed 1: “Where my hug at?”
Buzzed 3: I love how she got magically fluent in French in like three months. Also how the fuck is she affording this studio apartment in Paris? She should have like 15 million roommates.
(Back in Boston, Jeremiah is making coffee in Denise’s (Isabella Briggs, “Evil”) apartment.)
Buzzed 4: Oh, he has a Moka pot? That’s fucking sick.
Buzzed 1: He has the craziest blue-eyed stare.
Buzzed 2: He scares me.
Baked 1: He looks freakishly tan.
Buzzed 2: Yeah, for those baby blues?
(After spending the day together, Belly asks Conrad if there is anything else they can do.)
Buzzed 6: Can I do you?
Buzzed 3: This is so “Sex and the City” core.
Buzzed 5: It’s so quiet.
Buzzed 4: You’re in Paris, where are the hordes?
(At this point, we need to explain the plot of the show to Buzzed 2 and Buzzed 4.)
Buzzed 3: They’ve known each other their whole lives.
Buzzed 2: And she was getting messy with the brothers?
Buzzed 3: I swear to God, if Denise and Jeremiah get together, I’m gonna lose my shit.
(They did, in fact, get together.)
(Conrad continues to spend his screen time yearning for Belly.)
Buzzed 4: This man is down bad.
Buzzed 2: He’s in the trenches.
Buzzed 6: UGH, just make out and get it over with.
Buzzed 4: Buddy, you’re right there.
(Belly’s friend Celine (Isaline Prévost Radeff, “En haute mer”) shows up.)
Buzzed 3: Look at those biceps.
Buzzed 5: Damn, what are they feeding those French people?
Buzzed 3: She can lift me.
(We cut back to Jeremiah’s dinner preparations.)
Buzzed 6: Stop showing this fuck ass party. I don’t care about it.
(Mr. Fisher (Tom Everett Scott, “Paper Flowers”) shows up to the house.)
Buzzed 3: The dad cheated on Susannah (Rachel Blanchard, “Clueless”) with Kayleigh (Emma Ishta, “Chicago Med”).
Buzzed 2: The dad cheats, too? It runs in the family?
Buzzed 4: He’s like peak shitbag, bro.
(We cut back to Belly and Conrad sitting on a couch together.)
Buzzed 6: Oh my God, just get into it!
(Belly kisses Conrad on the cheek.)
Everyone: NO!
Buzzed 4: WHAT THE FUCK?
Buzzed 3: What’s wrong with both of them?
Buzzed 2: She’s the one that’s bouncing between brothers! We need to hold her accountable!
Buzzed 4: Wait, Conrad and Jeremiah are brothers?
Everyone: YES!
(Back at the Cousins Beach house, Jeremiah yells at Steven (Sean Kaufman, “FBI: Most Wanted”) and Taylor to get out of his kitchen while they’re arguing.)
Buzzed 1: He turned into Gordon Ramsey.
(Noah Kahan starts playing.)
Buzzed 4: My culture is not your costume.
(Back in Paris, Conrad is talking a lot and saying a whole lot of nothing.)
Buzzed 3: It’s like when I’m trying to write an essay and say the same sentence five times.
(Conrad continues to yearn.)
Buzzed 4: Oh my God, this guy … this guy is auditioning for the part harder than anyone else. I have never been this down bad in my fucking life.
Buzzed 3: Mind you, this yearning has been happening for like five years.
(Back in Cousins, Jeremiah is still cooking dinner.)
Buzzed 4: Why are they dragging this out so much?
Buzzed 5: It’s like “The Great British Bake Off” but without the cool jazz music in the background.
(Denise calls Jeremiah a 10 for … some reason.)
Everyone: (Collective groan)
Buzzed 4: Oh my God, this is fucking pathetic.
(Denise and Jeremiah start making out in the kitchen.)
Buzzed 3: ARE THEY PLAYING JOJI?
Buzzed 2: THERE’S SHIT IN THE OVEN RIGHT NOW DAWG!
(We return to Conrad and Belly still walking around Paris together.)
Buzzed 6: How long do they have to walk for?
Buzzed 3: They have to kiss right now.
Buzzed 2: They have to fall in the river and drown.
(Conrad asks Belly if she’ll dance with him.)
Everyone: (Collective screaming)
Buzzed 4: This guy is a pussy.
Buzzed 5: Where is this music coming from?
Buzzed 2: My ass.
Buzzed 1: They’ve been edging us for the past HOUR.
(The crowd goes silent. Belly is holding Conrad. They close in. THEY KISS.)
Everyone: (COLLECTIVE SCREAMING)
Buzzed 2: It took them the whole goddamn day!
(They continue making out in the car.)
Buzzed 1: Imagine being the cab driver.
Buzzed 5: I guess they’re in France.
(They continue getting steamier in the stairwell.)
Buzzed 6: THEY’RE IN THE STAIRWELL.
(Belly and Conrad are about to have sex.)
Buzzed 1: I better see full frontal.
Buzzed 4: Do you think he cries afterwards?
(After having amazing sex with the man she is completely in love with, Belly says she wouldn’t change her plans for Conrad.)
Buzzed 4: You’re the worst person who’s ever lived.
Buzzed 3: What a haircut does to a person.
(Belly goes to the bathroom.)
Buzzed 3: It’s a healthy practice to pee after sex.
Buzzed 2: Piss after dick.
Buzzed 5: The fact that her hair and makeup stayed on after all that … give me your routine, girl.
(Belly continues to ignore her feelings and be cold to Conrad.)
Buzzed 1: Avoidant attachment final boss.
Buzzed 2: DON’T DO THIS RIGHT NOW, ISABEL!
Buzzed 6: “You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding.”
Buzzed 1: I’ll say it again: Conrad’s in a fucking psychological horror.
(Belly asks Conrad, “What if you only love me because that’s what your mom wanted, and then your mom died?”)
Buzzed 4: Oh, fuck off.
Buzzed 3: He should punch her in the face.
Buzzed 4: It’s legal to punch her in the face.
Buzzed 6: Fucking lock in bro!
(Conrad leaves. Belly sits sadly on the bed and thinks about what she’s done.)
Buzzed 4: This is a crime.
Buzzed 2: What is wrong with her?
Buzzed 3: We just saw the most epic sex montage, and now this shit?
(Belly realizes she loves Conrad and can’t give him up. She takes a cab to the train station to find him.)
Buzzed 4: Can we put the “Interstellar” music on right now to survive this?
(We start playing the “Interstellar” soundtrack. It fits surprisingly well.)
Buzzed 4: Holy shit, this is so perfect.
(Belly chases after Conrad, and they start kissing on the train.)
Buzzed 2: This is psychological warfare.
(Phoebe Bridgers starts playing.)
Buzzed 3: They’re appropriating my culture.
Buzzed 2: Yearning?
Buzzed 1: Lesbian.
Buzzed 3: Yeah, lesbian.
(Conrad and Belly return to the Cousins house.)
Buzzed 2: Those hydrangeas are so gorgeous — the water bill must be crazy.
Buzzed 6: And why is he wearing no-show socks?
Buzzed 2: He’s a dainty little man.
(The credits finally roll.)
Buzzed 1: Why does this look like a clip from a true-crime documentary where they’re talking about how she always lit up a room?
Buzzed 3: Is it just me, or did that ending feel anticlimactic?
Buzzed 2: No, there’s gonna be an after-credit scene where they get married.
There was no after-credit scene.
Buzzed 2: My bad.
