That’s the scoop

A few nights ago, while my friends and I were at dinner, we made a deal that the first person to talk about the latest drama had to pay the bill. After enduring small talk about classes and the very “interesting” change in the weather, we ate our appetizers in silence. Just as I was about to break, my other friend beat me to it. 

Thanking God I didn’t have to pick up the tab, I realized that a core element of girlhood is sitting down with your friends, discussing the latest scoop and adding, “But who am I to say anything?” after each snarky comment. That’s not a bad thing. 

From a young age, society teaches kids not to gossip. I was always told if you talk ugly about someone else, your kids will be ugly. While this was definitely an extreme claim by my grandmother to keep my soul “pure,” it’s something that has stuck with me forever.

There is some merit to her, and others’, philosophies, but the definition of gossip has changed over time. Its current definition might not necessarily be the best word to describe how my friends and I communicate. 

Historically, gossiping wasn’t always a bad thing. During the Middle Ages, it was a trait of strong female relationships and allowed women to assert their independence from men by curating their own spaces within a patriarchal society. These spaces were especially empowering, as they gave women the ability to build strong connections and support one another during a time in which they had little personal autonomy. 

However, as this convention became more widely practiced and the influence of women was increasingly viewed as a threat, social formations like gossiping became a threat to the patriarchy. The root definition of gossiping transitioned from simple discussion of others to implying that the details of gossip are typically untrue and disreputable. 

Today, the definition and critiques of gossip carry the same connotation as they did in the Middle Ages. Discussing drama is often seen as harmful, even if it’s just idle chatter. We need to reclaim the word gossip so we can reclaim the power that is girlhood.

When meeting new people, taking the relationship from a surface level friendship to a deeper connection isn’t always easy. What has proven to be most effective in solidifying a friendship, though, is the sense of shared perspective. Exchanging stories and insights about the latest drama has the potential to deepen new connections and strengthen old ones. 

Discussing drama also helps young women process their emotions and make sense of complex social interactions. Getting your friends’ opinions on someone else’s situation not only provides a sense of shared understanding and validation, but also helps you later apply the same perspectives to similar issues. This is solidarity at its finest. 

The vanity that people view as an “essential part” of gossip is nothing new. Many interpret it as a form of judgment used to elevate yourself by putting down others. However, the gossip my friends and I — and undeniably a countless amount of others — partake in isn’t always malicious. Sure, every debrief might include casual resentment toward those who have wronged us, but at its core, these conversations are a stronger tool for deepening connections than carrying out vengeance. 

The idea that there are more substantial things to discuss than who’s dating who and who drank a little too much at the bar last night is a strong argument to make. But, after coming home from a long day of classes and work, the last thing I want to discuss is the political and economic state of the world. 

And, these so-called “substantial” conversations that are usually reserved for more serious topics can also include elements of gossip. The formality of discussion used with a professor or boss is undoubtedly going to be different than what you talk about with your friends. This doesn’t mean that the conversation always has to reflect a TMZ-style table talk — engaging in conversations and topics that mix both substance and gossip allows for richer discourse. 

It is possible to explore the implications of social relationships while still reflecting on how these interactions enrich our understanding of the world and each other. Casual discussion doesn’t always have to lack depth. That is also not to say that all women need gossip to get through the day, but they should have the option, without the fear of shame. 

Encouraging open conversation — especially gossip — is important, especially during the most impactful years of a person’s life. While society advises kids to stay away from drama, cutting it out completely is unrealistic and can have an adverse effect of preventing children from learning how to navigate interpersonal relationships and resolving conflicts. Elementary school pettiness may seem unnecessary, but that is the way of life. 

As we get older, drama doesn’t just magically resolve itself. It continues to thrive in the workplace, lecture halls and even as we start families of our own. Rather than advising our children to stay away from it at all costs, we should teach them how to navigate it. Understanding that drama is an inevitable part of life can be a good thing if approached the correct and thoughtful way.

This correct and useful form of gossiping promotes empathy and problem solving, rather than spreading lies. Discussing the issues of a person who might not be in the room doesn’t immediately equate to talking behind their back. Talking about their situation and framing it to provide a new perspective is key. Then, gossip — usually stigmatized as a form of judgment — turns into a tool for connection and support. 

So the next time you find yourself discussing the latest scoop with your girls over a bottle of wine, remember the only thing you should have to pay for is the morning after one too many glasses of red. 

Angelina Akouri is an Opinion Columnist studying English and Political Science. She writes about the influence of pop culture on students and their relationships. She can be reached at akouria@umich.edu. Her column “Almost Grown” runs bi-weekly on Tuesday.

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