You shouldn’t read this column

“Dump him” are two words that I usually say following every venting session with my friends. I still include the typical “he doesn’t deserve you” and “you’re too good for him”; but, the more I use those platitudes, the less effective they prove to be. It can be difficult when someone you care about doesn’t take what you say to heart or use your advice. I can’t say I blame them, though — when someone tells me not to do something, it makes me want to do it that much more. 

Along with “dump him,” my second favorite thing to tell someone is “I told you so.” Whether it’s toward my parents, siblings, friends or even professors, using the comeback feels like the sweetest bit of revenge — until I realized the people challenging me weren’t doing so out of malicious intent.  By saying I couldn’t or shouldn’t do something, they leveraged my desire to prove people wrong and actually pushed me to achieve my goals. This made me wonder, is the best way to get what you want in life to pretend you don’t want it at all?

Reverse psychology is the subtle art of advocating for a behavior that opposes the desired outcome. Although this form of indirect persuasion might seem like it distracts from the issue at hand, it’s actually a time-tested approach. The concept of reverse psychology has been around since the 20th century, where it was originally used as a strategy to gain societal and economic power. 

As the psychological principle modernized and gained traction, it became a common tactic, finding its way into everyday situations. Whether it’s desperate parents telling a toddler they are “too little” to eat their vegetables — knowing it’ll pique their curiosity and entice them to clear the plate — or one peer telling another they might not be the best for a job to enhance motivation, reverse psychology shows up in many different scenarios. 

Nowadays, younger generations hold a more acute awareness of how their actions might affect the feelings of others; as a result, the cognitive strategy has been called out for being potentially manipulative. Prioritizing the emotional wellbeing of others over yourself is by no means incorrect, but it is a substantially different value set from that of older generations, who held a more “survival of the fittest” mentality. While it can be beneficial to take a more compassionate approach to relationships and friendships, it is important to ensure that new ways of life do not discredit the traditional approaches. 

By blending traditional and contemporary ideas — using compassion and empathy to strengthen an argument, rather than criticize it — we as a generation can use reverse psychology in its most powerful form. That is, we can harness the strength of both perspectives and curate a more balanced, mutually beneficial solution. 

As we continue to create a wide array of culturally significant vocabulary words that help shift our thinking, terms like “gaslighting” have gained traction in the 21st century. Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that seeks to make another person doubt their own beliefs or perceptions on a given situation or idea. But people tend to use gaslighting loosely and lump together any form of indirect influence with malicious deceit. 

This term is only applicable to reverse psychology when used with malicious intentions. It is crucial to not only make a distinction between the practices, but also identify them in our everyday lives as casual and oversimplified uses of the word have the potential to do more harm than good. Intention matters. We must use reverse psychology to empower decision making, not undermine it. 

Reverse psychology allows people to prove others wrong — this is where manipulation turns into motivation. When I was younger and my parents told me they didn’t think I was mature enough to handle something, I did everything I could to prove them wrong. 

Even though honesty is the foundation of all relationships, reverse psychology can add a playfulness to a partnership while still getting what you want. Oftentimes, especially as things get more serious, it is easy to feel like you’re parenting your significant other. Having to constantly remind them to take out the trash or do the dishes is a quick way to put a damper on the exciting romance of it all. 

By using reverse psychology and taking the pressure off the direct request, you’re able to give your partner the chance to feel like they’re making their own decisions, promoting autonomy and independence while still guiding them towards your desired outcome. That way, instead of playing the role of a parent, you play that of an equal partner.  

Going beyond romantic relationships and into platonic ones, it is no secret that people often just prefer to hear what they want to hear. It took me a long time to realize that when my friends talk about their same problems, usually they just want someone to listen and allow them to come to their own conclusions. I realize now that taking a step back from offering solutions and stopping my ongoing thread of unsolicited advice is practicing reverse psychology in its simplest form. Suggesting that my friends already know what they need to do or even just downplaying my own advice makes them feel more empowered to make their own decisions — usually the right ones. 

Using this technique when approaching sensitive situations has also worked to strengthen my relationships. When all of my “dump hims” were left disregarded, I grew resentful. My friends were less inclined to share with me what was really going on in their relationships if they knew I already had a certain disdain for the star villain of our conversations. Transforming “you deserve better” into “only you know what’s best for you” is the nudge most people need to feel trusted, and, in turn, trust themselves. That resentment gradually turns to gratitude and deeper connections. 

Ultimately, reverse psychology gives people the room to determine what they want, to think critically and to think creatively. 

Like any psychological approach, this theory isn’t foolproof and can have an adverse effect. You can tell someone not to do something and they’ll listen. Although it can be upsetting, this is the same trial and error that comes with finding the solution to any given problem. For example, we teach people from a young age to tell the truth. Though honesty may always seem like the best policy, it would be naive to say that this method doesn’t have its own inherent flaws, too. 

When used to invoke a positive outcome, reverse psychology is a powerful tool available to make life easier, and there’s no need to apologize for using it. The art of getting what you want is a beautiful thing. I told you not to read this column — did it work?

Angelina Akouri is an Opinion Columnist studying English and Political Science. She writes about the influence of pop culture on students and their relationships. She can be reached at akouria@umich.edu. Her column “Almost Grown” runs bi-weekly on Tuesday.

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