Split the bill, not your boo

My freshman year of college, I went on a pretty standard date with a guy from one of my classes. Halfway through the evening, he shared some stories from high school and blatantly referenced his “girlfriend” multiple times. Doing what any sane person would, I responded with a trusty, “Oh gosh I can’t believe your ex did that!” After a long pause of deafening silence, he assured me that he and his current girlfriend were still going strong. 

Although I was clearly caught off guard, he explained that they are, and always have been, in an open polyamorous relationship. With the hope of a free meal, I decided to put a smile on my face and ride out the rest of the night. I walked home later that evening with a heavy heart (and an empty wallet after splitting the bill). 

I didn’t judge him and his partner for their way of life. Rather, I was curious as to how and when people had become more open-minded about polygamy. And, if it is really gone, are all the hopeless romantics and soulmate believers destined for disappointment? When it comes to relationships, we should uphold the traditions of monogamy.

After spending the rest of the night on Google, I found that before Western imperialism, many societies practiced forms of polyamory in which men took multiple wives as a sign of high status and wealth. However, as society progressed, monogamy replaced the system that seemed to work just fine. This development, though, is not inherently negative, as historical context doesn’t always have to dictate present values. 

As social norms change yet again, so do the roles and dynamics of relationships. Today, there is a greater acceptance of nontraditional relationship models. While this inclusivity is generally a positive thing, our extension of the number of partners may be one step too far. 

The concept of exclusivity is all around us, especially here on campus. We consider exclusive clubs and academic programs to be prestigious and, as a result, students are more likely to apply and hope for an acceptance. 

It’s the same with relationships — exclusivity signals intention and care. Whether it’s the partners themselves or an outsider looking in, an exclusive relationship signifies that both people have deliberately chosen each other above all others. This intention creates a unique, meaningful bond cultivated between just two people.

In turn, the exclusivity of monogamous love has the ability to foster an environment where couples thrive in reliability and trust. Monogamous couples are also more likely to focus on problem-solving within a relationship when there are no external distractions from additional partners. A deeper bond can form when couples feel more comfortable sharing their feelings and insecurities. When both partners are fully committed to one another, they create a space that encourages openness and emotional vulnerability. This stability creates a safe space where partners can express themselves freely, knowing they have a reliable foundation to fall back on. When looking toward a shared future — whether it’s marriage, children, work life or travel — planning and general predictability of their commitment to one another reduce uncertainty and anxiety.

These relationships also help individuals invest in themselves. People are more inclined, and encouraged, to pursue personal ambitions when they know they’re supported. While some might argue that having multiple partners provides a stronger support system, it’s the depth of a connection with one dedicated partner that truly enhances personal ambition. That one-on-one attention and interaction fuels personal development and doesn’t split focus between multiple partners. The security of such a relationship enhances personal well-being and self growth all while curating a romantic bond.

Nevertheless, some people still argue that polyamory is more natural for humans. It’s a common misconception that because humans are animals, it is biologically unnatural to confine individuals to one partner. But the idea that sex is a biological desire and the only goal and reward of a relationship oversimplifies the complexity of human emotion and feeling. Modern relationships can’t reach their fullest potential if they’re purely physical — they need some emotional intensity and exchanges of interpersonal wants and needs.

A sense of physicality is important, but reducing relationships to solely the sexual nature of our being disregards emotional connections. The freedom to choose monogamy is an empowering and deliberate decision that makes relationships more meaningful. By reframing this commitment as a strength rather than a sacrifice, we can appreciate the intentionality behind it.

During my time in the world of dating, I’ve learned that you don’t have to look at relationships through rose-colored glasses to believe in monogamy. We see divorcées and widowers find love again all the time. Monogamy doesn’t automatically mean you have to be a hopeless romantic, but it does require you to be hopelessly devoted to one person at that given time. 

I also learned to leave right when they drop the “I have a girlfriend and room for one more” bomb. I’m OK splitting the bill, but not splitting my partner.

Angelina Akouri is an Opinion Columnist studying English and political science. She writes about the influence of pop culture on students and their relationships. She can be reached at akouria@umich.edu. Her column “Almost Grown” runs bi-weekly on Tuesday.

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